When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
