I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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