Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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