Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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