well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize