I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also, beer. Big fan.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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