I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
