I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
