She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
