We're like a lot better than the average bears
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
