My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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