It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
