bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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