it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
