An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
