i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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