Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
