pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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