thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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