He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
