We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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