my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
