you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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