My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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