Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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