I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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