Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
