margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A+ Viking dick
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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