I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
