Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
