Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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