you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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