By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
