don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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