Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
