Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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