HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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