my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Everclear isn't food dammit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize