You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
