just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
