white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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