just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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