You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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