I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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