honey bunches of taint.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
