Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
