You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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