You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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