are you still at the devil's house?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
