If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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