somebody snuck up and got me drunk
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
