remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
as a side note pls kill me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
