I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
