All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
