cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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