I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
dude i'm inner monologue high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
