I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize