i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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