Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
